Finding Your Voice in the Lifestyle
Finding Your Voice in the Lifestyle
So, let us say you and your spouse or significant other have decided that you want to move forward in the lifestyle. Things are going well, you are having fun and feeling like you have made a good decision. You have met a couple you connect with, or you find yourselves at a house party. Things heat up, clothes come off and you are enjoying yourself until…well, you do not really want to do what’s (or who’s) being asked of you now, but you go ahead with it. Or the person you are with is not acting in a way that you appreciate. You cannot say no…everyone is naked, and swapping. Everyone is having fun. If you say no, it will hurt the person’s feelings. You will seem like a bitch, or not cool. Many of us have found ourselves in this kind of situation.
Here is the thing…this is a community that will only thrive and be safe and enjoyable if we, as its members are able to communicate openly, honestly, maturely, and assertively, and be confident that these communications will be accepted. We want to tell you that it is important for you to Find Your Voice! And once you find it, use it! In this community, no should always mean no, and consent is always necessary. Sometimes people do make honest mistakes, get caught up in a moment, have not learned proper etiquette yet, or are just clueless. It is always ok to put on the brakes or redirect to a more acceptable behavior. And your expectation should always be that the response will be respectful acceptance of your boundary.
But how do we do this?! Many of us are not taught how to be assertive. We learned either passivity or aggressiveness. Passivity means allowing others to get their needs met and their rights respected without having your owns needs met or rights respected. Being aggressive is to get your own needs met without meeting needs or respecting the rights of others. Assertiveness is meeting your own needs and ensuring your own rights are respected, while still acknowledging the needs and respecting the rights of others. In Lifestyle settings, assertiveness means you can speak up when you need to in a kind but firm way to avoid doing anything with which you are not comfortable. Finding your voice goes both ways, too. You can speak up to ask for consent, or to ask if what you are doing feels right to the person you are with.
Some suggestions for finding your voice.
Talk with your significant other frequently about your rules and boundaries, as well as activities with which you are and are not comfortable, so that you are more likely to recognize a time when you may want to speak up to a sex partner.
Practice what you would say in certain situations with your spouse or Lifestyle friends. Have some kind but firm words ready ahead of time so that you do not have to think about it in the moment (i.e.: “I always use condoms. Do you have one or would you like to use one of mine?”; “This position is getting a bit uncomfortable. Let us change it up.”; “This has been great, but I need to take a break.”
Ask more experienced friends about times when they wished they had spoken up, and what they think they could have said in the moment. Ask how they manage those situations now.
Think about times in vanilla settings where you are able to be assertive and consider how the same mindset can apply.
Invest time and energy to get to know people before playing, so that you have a rapport, and may have an opportunity to talk about your likes and dislikes.
Limit alcohol consumption during events so that you maintain your judgment about what is ok with you.
It can take some time to get comfortable enough to navigate Lifestyle events the way you want to. This is why we always advocate starting slow, talking to others about their experiences, and speaking up for yourself. Anyone who responds negatively to your assertiveness, or your boundaries, is just not someone who understands the behaviors that make the Lifestyle the amazing community it is.