Playtime Etiquette

Whether you are at a house party, club, or vacation spot, manners matter!

It isn’t that you don’t care or have been raised in a barn!  The lifestyle is just something very new to all of us when we start our journeys.  It is hard to know, when presented with a new situation, how you should approach things.  You don’t want to miss an opportunity, so you don’t want to be too timid, but you don’t want to be that creepy person either.  What should you do and when?

We often get asked questions about different scenarios by new to the lifestyle couples after a situation presents itself.  “What should we have done?” or, “Was that ok to have done?”. 

Now, we won’t be able to cover all situations in this article, but hopefully this gives a good basis.  Some of these are things you may have heard before, but others may be things you may not have thought of in the throws of playtime fun. 

Be a nice voyeur.  You are at a house party, a club’s public room, or a hotel party.  There are couples having fun in an area permissible to voyeurs.  If you are watching, then watch from a respectful distance.  Please do not stand or lean in overlooking the participants, be next to them within touching distance or masturbate next to them unless you have consent.  

Just the tip, I mean a tip…When you are ready to play, identify a spot to place your clothing and jewelry items.  This makes it much easier to find your stuff when playtime is over and keeps your host from having those leftover mystery items.

Don’t bust the mojo!  When you are done with play, keep any conversation quiet and sexy, or move on to a non-play area.  It is very distracting while still engaged in play to suddenly have random, loud conversation and laughing going on next to you. 

Waiter, there’s a dick in my salad!  At private parties, there usually is a food table either provided by the host or via potluck by the guests.  When you are taking a break from play and feel the need for a snack before the next round, put on at least underwear to approach the food table.  We get this question a lot--should you cover up or not bother?  We know there will be differences of opinions here, but we feel a minimum of undies is warranted and from our experience, the majority of those we have discussed this with over our years in the lifestyle agree.  Four out of five swingers agree on undies at the food table.

“Ass down, Gina!!”  Consent is always necessary.  Always ask to share a surface, join a couple, or even touch or kiss someone, especially if you don’t know them.  If you are at a group party of any kind, it is always important to keep in mind because, although we may be at a sex party, consent is not a given.  This even goes when your partner may be with one half of a couple at a group party.  Just because someone is engaged with your partner (yes, this has happened to me) or has their ass in the air while going down on someone (also me).  It is never ok to come up behind someone who is already involved and start to play with them without being given the green light (me again…).  In addition, just because you are attracted to someone and they seem attracted to you, that does not give you the ok to place your hands inside a dress or down a shirt.  That person still must tell you that it is ok for that to happen.  Being too handsy or pushy with that kind of behavior can be quite a turn off, and that defeats the purpose of why we are all getting together in the first place.  Now keep in mind that this doesn’t have to be a lengthy conversation.  Even a quick “go ahead” is cool.  Consent is always sexy!!

“I’m flattered, but…”  It’s ok to use your voice (see last month’s article) and decline a request.  I believe you can say anything to anyone about anything without being a jerk about it.  It’s ok to say, “Oh thank you for the compliment of wanting to play, I just want to stick with things the way they are right now.”  Or, “I am just not feeling that right now, maybe another time.”  It’s also ok to ask someone to stop doing something you don’t like.  If it is otherwise a good experience, then asking them to do something else is a good tactic to shift their actions.  If it is not a good experience, and you want out, it’s ok to say you need a break, and step away to get some water, use the restroom or reconnect with your spouse/partner.   

I got this covered.  Assume condoms are required.  Most of the lifestyle community that we have met require condoms for their play.  However, as we all lifestyle differently, there are people in the lifestyle that go bareback (without condoms), and some that only do that with their inner-circle.  However, since the majority seems to require it, then you need to assume this and any variation of not using them needs to be a discussion.  On the other side of that condom coin, you should never feel guilted into not using them if that is your rule.  If your rule is condoms, anyone who fusses about it is not someone you need to be with in our opinion.

The Club.  So, you are visiting a swinger club.  You are excited and you should be. There are a lot of great clubs all over the USA and other countries, allowing you to have some great experiences and make some great memories.  You danced the night away and then you head to the playroom area(s).  What is allowed, and what is not?  That couple having sex in the one playroom is very hot and the door is open.  Are we allowed to go in and watch, or join?  The public room is amazing, and there are so many couples having sex on all the beds.  Can we join that couple playing on one of the beds?  These are great questions, asked by new, as well as experienced Lifestylers. 

Let’s tackle the easy one first-- joining a couple on a bed in a public playroom.  As we mentioned before, you should never join a surface such as a bed with other couples without asking for consent, but again some tact must be taken and a “May we join you?”, out of the blue as they are having fun is not really appropriate either.  But if there is a lot of eye contact going on and some other visual clues that they are interested, then a “May we join you?” would be reasonable.

The other questions, such as “what does an open playroom door mean?”, are a little tougher as many clubs have their own unique rules.  In some clubs or large parties, an open door means you may enter the room and watch a couple.  In another, the rule is that only means you may watch from the doorway itself.  The best rule of thumb here is make sure the club gives you the new member tour where this is all explained.  If you did the tour but can’t remember after all the fun you have been having, not a worry.  Just ask one of the club’s staff members for a refresher of the etiquette for the playrooms.  This is good to know for when you want to join others, but also if you want (or don’t want) others to join or watch you.

Thank you for your kind attention to our list of lifestyle manners.  Keep those questions coming!  The more we all communicate and understand what makes things work well, the more enjoyable everyone’s experiences will be. Until the next article, remember Sharing is Caring!