The Lifestyle - Are you ready for this?

Are you ready for this?     

There are right and wrong reasons to get into the Lifestyle.  None of us want to be judged for who we are or what we do, so please forgive me for using such powerful words as “right” and “wrong”!  My purpose is not to be judgmental, but to illustrate what I have observed in 30 years of marriage and 10 years in the Lifestyle.  There are reasons why people get into the Lifestyle, only to experience what my husband and I reverently refer to as an implosion, and there are reasons people get into the Lifestyle which lead to a whole host of positive experiences, a stronger bond, lasting friendships and a hell of a lot of fun. 

Let’s start with the “wrong” reasons:

“I want to.  My spouse will get used to it, right?”

Being in the Lifestyle is more than just having sex.  Many people can naturally separate sex and love, but just as many, if not more, cannot.  Being in the Lifestyle requires absolute trust between committed spouses or significant others.  Asking someone who is not fully onboard to engage in sex with someone other than you, and see you having sex with someone other than them, is just not the sign of a healthy, lasting relationship.  Expecting your partner to do anything that they are not comfortable with is setting yourselves up for drama.  Rather than your spouse getting used to it, it is more likely that any trust that is there will be destroyed.

“My spouse/significant other wants to.” 

This is the counterpart to the above.  Engaging in sexual activities, or even being in sexual environments like house parties, or vacation venues where you are not comfortable can be scary.  Putting aside your own feelings of caution or aversion to give in to a spouse or significant other can be indicative of imbalances in the power dynamics of your relationship.  Are there other areas of your relationship where you feel pressured, or that your spouse’s desires take priority despite your concerns?  These may need attention before you find yourself in situations that you don’t know how to navigate, and don’t feel heard, understood or supported by your significant other, which creates distance, and hurt feelings.

 “I want to fuck other people, but I don’t want to cheat.”

This is an indicator that you are not happy and satisfied in your relationship.  Although you deserve credit for not wanting to cheat on your spouse, entering the lifestyle is not likely to improve those areas that you find lacking.  In fact, it is likely to highlight or intensify the issues.  If there are any issues or problems in your relationship—things that you are able to ignore, put on the back burner, or otherwise decline to address-- please know that being in the Lifestyle will bring them front and center, sometimes dramatically.  We have watched it happen and it is not pretty!   Although it may be a tall order, addressing the needs that are not being met by your relationship is a good step toward being a happier couple, whether or not you end up participating in the Lifestyle.

 “Things have gotten stale.  We need to spice things up a bit.”

We assume you and your spouse want to stay together, but it is better to address the reasons why things feel stale, before you jump into something as emotionally and sexually charged as the Lifestyle.  Long term relationships have hills and valleys.  That is natural!  It is being able to work our way through the valleys to get to the next hill that gets us through the years.  If Lifestyle activity is something you think might be fun to spice things up, try talking about it first, even sexy talk about it during intimate times, and gauge how you each feel hearing what the role of other partners might have in your sex life.  Dip your toe in by visiting clubs or events with the expectation that you are observing, not participating.  Then go home and see how you each feel about it while you are no longer in the moment.  It’s easy to get caught up in Lifestyle environments, especially when alcohol is involved.  But your chances of drama and hurt feelings is MUCH less if you check things out and then go back and communicate honestly about it, only returning when you both are sure that you are in it for the “right” reasons, which I will be happy to outline next.

The “right” reasons:

“We are a solid couple with 100% trust in each other, high sex drives and open minds.  We would love some friends with benefits.” 

We can’t stress enough the idea that being a happy couple, who communicates, prioritizes each other, deeply loves each other and has great sex already makes you a good candidate for having a good time in the Lifestyle.  People who take care of business at home, and have a solid foundation to their relationship, are better able to handle any feelings, or issues that may arise during their Lifestyle activities.  And you read that right…even strongly bonded couples with great communication can run into difficulties.  The difference is that they know that the bottom line is their relationship.  Nothing else will get in the way of that.  That gives them the ability to resolve any issue, even if it means taking a step back for a while.

 “We have an amazing sex life, and we want to take it to the next level.”

            Again, if all is well at home -consistently- then your adventures out of your own bedroom and into your friends’ bedroom, the club, the house party, the hot tub, etc. can be fun, intensely sexy, and gratifying.  These experiences can actually make the bond between yourself and your spouse even stronger, because it has exercised your own trust and intimacy.  You come back to each other feeling even safer, sexier and closer.  Sharing these fun experiences with the friends you have made make you feel even closer to them as well because they have respected your relationship by sharing sex, but returning to their own good relationship. 

 “We get incredibly turned on at the idea of seeing each other give and receive pleasure from another person.”

            Compersion is the experience of joy in the joy of others.  More specifically with respect to non-monogamy, it is feeling joyful about seeing one’s partner having a pleasurable romantic or sexual encounter.  Since jealousy generally comes out of insecurity, compersion flourishes in relationships where people feel completely loved and secure.  They are aware that their spouse’s happiness at getting attention and pleasure from another partner does not reduce the spouse’s feelings for or commitment to them.  Understanding this frees you to appreciate the visual of your spouse as the star of live porn right in front of you! Or…next to you, or behind you…so many possibilities…

             We hope this has been helpful for you to think about what is attracting you to the Lifestyle.  It is not for everyone, and that is ok too.  But for those who can be totally honest with their significant other, communicate effectively, and find the joy in seeing your partner appreciated by others, the Lifestyle can be an amazing addition to your sex life.