Handling Drama in the Lifestyle

One of the things we most love about the Lifestyle is the cool people we meet and the amazing friends we have.  Having said that, we are well aware that there is an abundance of drama out there, and Lifestylers are no exception.

 So, how do we respond to drama, what do we do about it and how do we prevent it?  Let me start with the last question first.

But, before I go on, I just want to point out that we are all human.  Everyone is the center of the train wreck at one point or another because we all have a bad day, make a bad judgment or otherwise fuck up at some point or another.  These are stories you will later relate to your Lifestyle friends, who hopefully will help you laugh at yourself and learn from your mistake.  I also don’t want to give the impression that we don’t want you to be there to support friends going through tough times.  Of course you will, because that is what cool people do. 

 But what I am talking about in this article is the drama that comes from impulsiveness, poor communication, substance abuse, difficult personalities, jealousy, or negative relationship dynamics (probably not an exhaustive list) or combinations of these.

 To help prevent your exposure to drama, we can tell you what we have done over the years to keep ours to a minimum.   

1. When we were newbies, we had the great fortune to meet an awesome group of people who had more experience than us and who were willing to share some of their train wreck stories with us.  We listened carefully to our friends who described unfortunate incidents during dates, parties, or trips, from laughable to tragic.  We suggest you listen well to other people’s stories about drama, bad behaviors, or problems they have had and try to learn from their mistakes.  We are not suggesting you try to figure out specific people to avoid, but just to keep in mind things to look out for, such as signs of jealousy, anger or imbalance of power within a couple, odd or overly specific rules a couple has, overuse of alcohol, or other drugs, and dismissiveness of others’ boundaries, to name a few.

 2. Some might consider this too conservative, but we use a “no play on the first date” rule.  When we meet people online, we exchange some pictures, and messages, and then set up a date, usually for drinks, and/or dinner.  This gives everyone the opportunity to get to know each other more, and make sure there is a connection between everyone.  Then we go home, discuss amongst ourselves what we think and feel and if everyone feels like play would be awesome, then we plan for it.  Both couples go into play feeling comfortable.  And a little build up makes it even more fun.  No snap decisions, no alcohol influenced decisions, no miscommunications, no taking one for the team.  We are not saying this is what everyone should do, but it has been very helpful for us over the years in avoiding problems. 

 3.  We listen to our gut.  Sometimes things go sideways no matter what you do, but oftentimes, you may have been able to see it coming.  If you listened to that nagging thought, you may have saved yourself a disappointing night.

 What do you do about it?

There will always be people who engage in drama.  It’s ok to opt out of play dates with people who tend to have drama during dates or events.  That is their stuff to handle, not yours.  If these are good friends, maybe some conversation started with, “hey we are concerned about you” could be in order, but be prepared to be shut down.  If these are not close friends yet, and it’s the first time something went awry, you can decide if you want to give them another shot. But we would say that unless a sincere apology and explanation was provided the very next day, just move on.  You probably don’t want to see the sequel!  The Lifestyle is about good fun with good people, not navigating people’s jealousies, negative relationship dynamics or substance use during events.

 How do you respond to it when it happens?

Good communication between yourself and your spouse is helpful, in that one of you can let the other know if something is brewing and you need to walk away.  Planning ahead is also a good idea.  It is common for couples to have a “safe word” when sexual limits have been reached.  But having a phrase that you and your partner understand to mean “I am uncomfortable, and I want to leave” or even “hey, we need to talk before anything else happens here” can help you exit before you are present for some drama. Pow wow with your person and make a decision together. 

 If play is happening, stop, even if it’s just a brief pause.  Stopping to check on a spouse who has inexplicably left the room, seems upset, drunk or otherwise not feeling it, is important.  Better to deal with what’s happening to keep a little drama from becoming a big drama.

 If a person or couple is fighting, too drunk, being inappropriate or some other drama, we think it is ok to bail.  Leave the drama for their mama and get out, provided immediate safety is in tact, of course (we know people who had a husband leave in the middle of play, leaving the wife with them and with no way home!)

 I guess what we are saying is, don’t tolerate bad behavior.  Our goal is always to grow our awesome community and help people do it well. 

What if we are the drama couple?!

If you are finding that you are having blow-ups at events, jealousy is developing, or you are just not having fun in the Lifestyle, then perhaps it is time to step back.  It doesn’t mean you have to leave the community forever.  But we have to keep things going well at home to be able to have a positive experience in the LS.  Taking some time to communicate, bond, and figure out what is going on in your marriage can allow you to repair something that is damaged between you, or maybe fix something you didn’t even know was broken.  Seeking couples’ counseling, even briefly, may be helpful as well.  Ultimately be honest with yourselves.  The Lifestyle is not for everyone.

 Circling back to the idea that we are all human--even the most solid of couples, may find themselves in a scenario that they never planned for or just didn’t predict they were going to feel jealous, hurt or angry.  It’s ok to have feelings.  It’s how you handle it that determines whether you are being dramatic or not.  Stepping aside to communicate and maybe change direction can keep things going well overall. And if your spouse asks you to step aside to chat, do it!  The brief FOMO (fear of missing out) you may have is not worth your partner’s feelings. 

 The longer you are in the lifestyle, the greater the likelihood that you find yourself in a situation where you may be faced by drama.  Like anything, you should be prepared in how to handle it.  By having some solid rules on how you approach lifestyle situations and by communicating well with your partner, you should be able to either avoid situations, know when it is time to leave a situation or to take a quick step aside with your partner to regroup for yourselves.  This will allow you to grow as a couple, keep enjoying this amazing lifestyle and continue to make amazing connections and friendships.