Let’s Talk Guys
We decided to do an article about male performance because we have been asked about this issue several times in the past few weeks, both by Lifestyle couples and in Gina’s work as a couples’ therapist. It is a common issue for vanilla men as well as men in the LS, but unfortunately it is one that is not talked about nearly enough. For once, this is an area that may be easier for women to get through. If a woman is distracted, nervous, or having trouble relaxing, she can lube up and keep going if she chooses to. Once a man starts to have a little issue, then it gets worse because he gets in his head even more and that just seals it…he is not going to get hard. He has been with a woman he cares deeply about for many years and has no issues and then gets in the LS and bam, has issues. WTF??!
We think there is a common belief that men just like to have sex no matter what and its women who need there to be a sense of love, security, and familiarity. But from our experience, many men have the same need. In the Lifestyle, we tend to gravitate to couples who, like us, have been together for many years, getting together as teens or young adults. For these couples, entering into the Lifestyle works because of the strong sense of trust and safety with each other. However, that can create a situation where, as much as a man may be super attracted to a woman in a Lifestyle setting, part of his brain is still approaching sex as something that he does with that one person he loves.
It has nothing to do with the woman he is with. Gals, please understand it is not about you! We promise! He definitely feels you are sexy, and he wants to be there with you. It has nothing to do with physical issues-yours or his-it is about what is going on inside his head. It simply is the difference between being with someone he has feelings for and being with someone with whom he is sexy friends. Sometimes men can compartmentalize well and approach sex differently and therefore, do not have as many issues. But some have not been in multiple relationships, or been single in the lifestyle, etc. and have historically approached sex as an activity with love, so their brain is trained that way. (We do think that any man that says they have never had an issue may be selectively forgetting 🙂).
So, what to do? Some strategies for managing the absence or loss of an erection may be helpful. First of all, trying to think about not having an issue already puts you in your head, so being aware of your thoughts is important. Going into a situation thinking that you hope it doesn’t happen, and how embarrassing that would be is a good way to self-fulfill that prophecy! Instead, remind yourself that this sometimes happens, and good people are understanding of it and will not think poorly of you. During the encounter, concentrate on things in the moment, focusing on an aspect of what is going on, some imagery of something that is happening, your wife’s pleasure at watching you, your pleasure at watching her or how sexy your playmate is. What is focused on may be different for everyone, but whatever gets you in the moment and out of your head is good.
Having a plan B may also be helpful. Erections naturally ebb and flow in the course of a sexual encounter. This is completely normal. So if you find that the email you forgot to send to your boss suddenly pops into your head and you go soft, switching gears to doing something else to please the one you are with until you can push that pesky worry away, maybe all you need. Sometimes taking a moment to reconnect with your wife is helpful, by getting the reassurance that you are in this together for fun.
In addition, even though it is not a physical problem, this does not mean that medicine cannot help. Sometimes getting a prescription for something like Viagra or similar will allow a man to relax and give him that extra confidence to get out of his own head and just be himself. After all, they liked you enough to get sexy with you in the first place! It is so important for all of us to understand how our bodies and minds work together. As a Lifestyle community, most of us value the friendship aspect above all else, so we have patience and understanding as we seek to build each other up.